Top 20 programmers excuses
Here are the top 20 excuses/comments by programmers upon discovering that their programs don’t work:
20. “That’s weird…”
19. “It’s never done that before.”
18. “It worked yesterday.”
17. “How is that possible?”
16. “It must be a hardware problem.”
15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”
14. “There is something funky in your data.”
13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”
12. “You must have the wrong version.”
11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”
10. “I can’t test everything!”
9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”
8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”
7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”
6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”
5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?
4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”
3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”
2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”
1. “It works on my machine.”
 

Software Development Cycles

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
  6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  7. Users find 137 new bugs.
  8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
  13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

 

Laws of Computer Programming

  1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
  3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  5. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
  6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
  7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
  8. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
  9. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
  10. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

 


Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming

  • Thou shalt not worry about bugs.

  • Bugs in your software are actually special features.
  • Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.

  • Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.
  • Thou shalt not handle errors.

  • Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.
  • Thou shalt not restrict users.

  • Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.
  • Thou shalt not optimize.

  • Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.
  • Thou shalt not provide help.

  • If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.
  • Thou shalt not document.

  • Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.
  • Thou shalt not hurry.

  • Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.
  • Thou shalt not revise.

  • Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.
  • Thou shalt not share.

  • If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

     

    2.Top 20 List of the Best Geek Quotes, Sayings and Phrases

    For all the geeks out there, do you know someone who tried to teach themselves how to read Barcode? Here is a list of Geek quotes, sayings and phrases. Some of them are from Boardofwisdom who put together a nice compilation themselves.

    #1. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF. All my base Are belong to you  — someone on SlashDot

    #2. There is no place like 127.0.0.1

    #3. Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken

    #4. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning

    #5. Computers are incredibly fast, accurate, and stupid; humans are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant; together they are powerful beyond imagination. — Albert Einstein

    #6. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

    #7. If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

    #8. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d 

    #9. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly

    #10. I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code

    #11. My Software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

    #12. The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

    #13. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be. 

    #14. Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers

    #15. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue… 

    #16. A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those? 

    #17. I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident. I was thinking “What the hell is this guy doing?”

    #18. Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button.

    #19. Alert! User Error. Please replace user and press any key to continue

    #20. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. — Weinberg’s Second Law

     

    1.Incisive-software-engineering-programming-quotes-and-sayings


    “ If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. ”

    – Edsger Dijkstra

    “ Rules of Optimization:
    Rule 1: Don’t do it.
    Rule 2 (for experts only): Don’t do it yet. ”

    – Michael A. Jackson

    “ The best method for accelerating a computer is the one that boosts it by 9.8 m/s2. ”

    – Anonymous

    “ Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen. ”

    – Edward V Berard

    “ Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it. ”

    – Brian Kernighan

    “ It’s not at all important to get it right the first time. It’s vitally important to get it right the last time. ”

    – Andrew Hunt and David Thomas

    “ First, solve the problem. Then, write the code. ”

    – John Johnson

    “ Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration. ”

    – Stan Kelly-Bootle

    “ Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. ”

    – Rick Osborne

    “ Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand. ”

    – Martin Fowler

    “ Software sucks because users demand it to. ”

    – Nathan Myhrvold

    “ Linux is only free if your time has no value. ”

    – Jamie Zawinski

    “ Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. ”

    – Donald Knuth

    “ There is not now, nor has there ever been, nor will there ever be, any programming language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad code. ”

    – Flon’s Law

    “ The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time. ”

    – Tom Cargill

    “ Good code is its own best documentation. As you’re about to add a comment, ask yourself, "How can I improve the code so that this comment isn’t needed?" Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer. ”

    – Steve McConnell

    “ Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute. ”

    – Abelson / Sussman

    “ Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves. ”

    – Alan Kay

    “ Programming can be fun, so can cryptography; however they should not be combined. ”

    – Kreitzberg and Shneiderman

    “ Copy and paste is a design error. ”

    – David Parnas

    “ Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable. ”

    – Ralph Johnson

    “ Without requirements or design, programming is the art of adding bugs to an empty text file. ”

    – Louis Srygley

    “ When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I want done," give him a lollipop. ”

    – Alan Perlis

    “ Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind. ”

    – Donald Knuth

    “ Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else. ”

    – Eagleson’s law

    “ Java is to JavaScript what Car is to Carpet. ”

    – Chris Heilmann

    “ It’s hard enough to find an error in your code when you’re looking for it; it’s even harder when you’ve assumed your code is error-free. ”

    – Steve McConnell

     


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